Well, this is what I’m focusing on in my life right now, so I’m giving in: right now I’m working on my mental health, and blogging to process might help with the Brand New Therapist I acquired last week. School for kiddies is starting next week and I’m on the list to be a substitute at one (soon two) schools, which scares the hell out of me. I have no idea what I’m doing. I hope I’ll do well. We all know how much I like change and new situations.
I’m tired. I’m tired of worrying that I’ll never be ready to have a child. Or that if I get pregnant my eating disorder will rear its head in a way that I won’t be able to handle. Or that post-partum depression and my post-partum body will destroy me. Or that I’ll be one of that small percentage of women who thinks it was a mistake, and that no matter how much I love my child, I’ll wonder if I made a mistake.
I sound so selfish when I say that. That’s what I’m afraid of–that I’m too selfish. I feel like I’m just reiterating everything that I’ve said before. Maybe that’s why I stopped blogging for awhile; I just keep saying the same damn thing over and over again and nothing changes. I’m really hoping that this new therapist will be useful. The fact that therapy scares me and I hate it seems to indicate that it’s what I should be doing. Maybe now things will change.