I found out tonight that my ex has spread some rumors about me back home. Rumors that I can’t defend against – because I’m here. Rumors that I slept with several men while we were together.
He was the first person that I ever did that with (and I regret every moment of it, especially the first time). The second was LAboy.
Friends that I really thought would come to my wedding and laugh with me and be a part of my new life with LAboy (we’re getting married back home) have carefully excised me from their lives, so quietly that I didn’t know what had happened until it was too late. Facebook messages and emails going unanswered. Questions that I can’t respond to because they aren’t being asked. Because they’ve already decided what type of person I am.
I don’t understand how someone can be with a person for six years and be so hurtful. I don’t understand how you can spread lies about someone you professed to love. I don’t understand why you would want to do something like this. I just don’t have the capacity to understand why someone would do this. It hurts, and I don’t get it.
I just don’t get it. I don’t get why people would believe that about me. I don’t get why he’d do that to me. What does he gain?
There are many regrets that I have in this life. Giving myself to him – well, really, letting him take what he wanted – was the biggest mistake I made.
I’m so, so sorry–to myself. I’m sorry that I let myself be manipulated and hurt like that. I’m sorry that I thought that that’s what love was. I’m sorry that I didn’t understand until it was far too late that I’m worth more.
I’m sorry. And I’m hurting.