I just don’t understand.

I found out tonight that my ex has spread some rumors about me back home.  Rumors that I can’t defend against – because I’m here.  Rumors that I slept with several men while we were together.

He was the first person that I ever did that with (and I regret every moment of it, especially the first time).  The second was LAboy.

Friends that I really thought would come to my wedding and laugh with me and be a part of my new life with LAboy (we’re getting married back home) have carefully excised me from their lives, so quietly that I didn’t know what had happened until it was too late.  Facebook messages and emails going unanswered.  Questions that I can’t respond to because they aren’t being asked.  Because they’ve already decided what type of person I am.

I don’t understand how someone can be with a person for six years and be so hurtful.  I don’t understand how you can spread lies about someone you professed to love.  I don’t understand why you would want to do something like this.  I just don’t have the capacity to understand why someone would do this.  It hurts, and I don’t get it.

I just don’t get it.  I don’t get why people would believe that about me.  I don’t get why he’d do that to me.  What does he gain?

There are many regrets that I have in this life.  Giving myself to him – well, really, letting him take what he wanted – was the biggest mistake I made.

I’m so, so sorry–to myself.  I’m sorry that I let myself be manipulated and hurt like that.  I’m sorry that I thought that that’s what love was.  I’m sorry that I didn’t understand until it was far too late that I’m worth more.

I’m sorry.  And I’m hurting.

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