Herpmatitis.

I slid into the car with my backpack, glad that I’d get to the airport on time.  My driver, a middle-aged black man, asked how I liked the school I go to; for undergrads (which I’m not), it’s an all-girls school.  He mentioned that he’d never let his daughter go to an all-girls school.

You see, when there aren’t any boys at a school, girls turn gay.  They start “doin’ what they gon’ do” with each other.  It “starts with sleepovers and gets bad in college.”  And Lord have mercy, don’t you know what happens to gay people?

The bisexual grad student in the car waited with bated breath.

It’s all about chemistry.  God evidently created chemicals in semen to mix with the chemicals in a woman’s vagina, and a “good healthy orgasm” keeps one’s chemistry in balance.  If one chooses instead to be a gay man, for example, the semen will have nowhere to go.  It will fester inside of the man and grow into poison.  This man will develop a disease like “herpmatitis.”

There’s a special type of herpmatitis just for the gays, you know.  They found out it’s caused by gay sex!

And if you look at the skin and hair of a gay person you can tell that they’re gay right then and there because they will be all pock-marked and diseased from the chemical imbalance.

I gave him the $5 clutched in my hand, bewildered and glad that I got the hell out of the car with my new-found education of ALL THIS RESEARCH that, evidently, proves that GAY PEOPLE ARE THE SOURCE OF ALL DISEASE.

Holy shit, guys.  It’s a whole new world out there chock-full of information (that i never wanted to hear).

I’m lucky I know when to keep my mouth shut or I’d probably be in a South Carolina jail cell right now with no way home.

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