This post has been wandering around in my head for awhile now, and I still don’t think that I’ll be able to do it justice. I’ve been struggling with this issue for a long time, whether I recognized it for what it was or not. It sounds so stupid to say it. To know that I actually believe it.
I am terrified of being happy.
There is an absolute and overwhelming fear that lurks in the back of my mind whenever I’m truly happy: that it will get taken away from me at any moment. That if I’m happy, it must mean that it’s setting me up for a devastating fall. I have a truly wonderful relationship; I know that at some point in the near future, I’ll be engaged(!) to the man of my dreams… and I am terrified that he’s going to be taken away from me. That he’ll get sick, or that God forbid something will happen to him. That he’ll get sick of me and leave. Just… anything.
I’m afraid that my happiness will be taken away from me, so I can never truly enjoy it. And I want to, so painfully badly that it aches. I want to know what it’s like to not have to be afraid anymore. To feel like I deserve to be happy, that it’s safe to be happy.
But how can I convince myself it’s safe when there’s so much out of my control that can take it away?