There are some days that I genuinely wonder if there’s a part of me that is actually, unequivocably, insane. I feel a pull in the chemistry in my head, a strange tugging sensation that threatens to sweep me along. I’ve been out of control enough to succumb to that pull, to ignore the need to stay anchored, and those are the times that I scare people.
The times that I laugh strangely, considering the physical ramifications of jumping out of a second-story window onto a chain-link fence. The times that colors blend in my mind and I can’t recognize friend from foe. The times that I want to self-injure not out of sadness or pain, but because of how good it feels, and how beautiful it is.
I tell LAboy sometimes that Flandre Scarlet of the Touhou Project reminds me of me. That I feel a special kinship for her, because she’s absolutely insane, and wants so badly to have everyone know that she loves them… but for her, loving means bleeding. It’s a strange way of being, sometimes. An urge for destruction – this isn’t something I talk about, usually, and I indulge in it even less. There was a period of time in my life when I was referred to as “TK” and several people were afraid of me – because I didn’t have the filter that I do now, for my more dangerous impulses. I hide it so well.
I’m shy and vulnerable and gullible and people want to talk to me, to confide in me, to either make fun of me or protect me. Sometimes this angers me, so much – I get so angry that they can’t see the other part of me. The part licking blood off of a blade and throwing my head back and screaming as I laugh. I get angry because I am who I am, and so few can see the whole me, and I like that part of me, sometimes.
Are you frightened?
Not nearly frightened enough.