Thoughts on marriage.

It’s so hard for me to pin down what’s bothering me about this.  Why it bothers me so much that we’re not engaged yet.  Why I ache at the thought that he was going to propose on my birthday, but the amount of money that gets sucked up by his parents put a damper in his plans.

I still don’t quite understand it.  I don’t get why there’s a constant, dull ache every time I check out someone at work and see them buying things for their wedding.  When I have to spend 7+ hours in the damn wedding section taking everything down, reorganizing it, and putting it back up as I think about how wonderful it would be to plan our wedding together.

I’m 26 years old, and I’m scared.

I’m scared because I’m not even engaged; I’m still in college; I work in retail.  I’m scared that I’ll end up without a life I can be proud of.  I’m scared that I’ll end up alone.  And the worst part is that I know that it’s irrational.

I know that being engaged won’t change what’s going to happen in the future (except the obvious).  It won’t fundamentally change me in any way (but it will).  I know that with or without a ring and a question that LAboy loves me, does not want to leave me, wants to marry me.  But there’s some part deep inside of me that cries, that wants to belong.  That wants to be somebody’s.  That wants to say that I’m getting married too, I’ll have a real family too, I’ll have stability and get a house and be pretend grownups with someone else that loves me.

It feels like it moves a relationship away from something that can be trivialized.  “Oh, that’s my boyfriend” sounds so high-school.  It sounds so impermanent.  Something that can be changed or taken away.  It feels like my life is so precarious here; I took such a huge, amazing risk and that isn’t like me.  I need security in an insecure time.

And as stupid as it sounds, as much as I know that we have to work on bills first and getting out of this house first… I just feel like it would give me a tiny rock to stand on that won’t drift away.

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