I don’t know what to say. When I pray for guidance, when I ask what I’m supposed to do, I keep getting pointed at “write.” But I don’t know how right now. I don’t know how to be creative when every day I’m reduced to tears b y a situation that I can’t remedy. I know it must be killing LAboy’s patience, that I’m so depressed. That I cry every day. That I don’t know what to do with this situation.
My mom came to visit for Thanksgiving. I was okay before she came, but now I’m devastated. I miss her. I miss her so much that I hurt every single day. I miss NY, I miss my mom, I miss my friends and snow and safety. I miss that my life was comfortable. My life was easy and golden and I always had everything I wanted and needed and I didn’t know how much I had until I’m here, freezing my ass off in a house with no heating with no friends and no family. No random trips to the mall with my mom. No movie nights with my friends. No cousins and friends and support system. I miss my mom more than I ever thought possible.
All I have right now are LAboy and my dog and it isn’t enough. We’re getting married in April and I’m afraid of how it will feel to be back in NY. I miss it, but we can’t leave here. We can’t leave his daughter; she’s a child, she doesn’t deserve her dad leaving. I don’t deserve to live away from my mom. It’s breaking me.
We can’t leave here. I can’t go home because he’s here and I want to be with him. But my mom’s there. I hate LA. I hate this state, I hate the weather, I hate that so many things I love and need and want aren’t available here, aren’t part of the culture, aren’t even part of the vocabulary. I hate that I feel so out of place, so alone. I feel so foreign.
I feel like I’m living in a foreign country and my only link to my world is a fucking phone. I love LAboy and I won’t, can’t leave him. God brought me here for a reason, and it’s probably to grow up and learn how not to live with my mom for the rest of my life. But it’s the hardest fucking thing I’ve ever done and I’m miserable.
I am miserable. I’m depressed and what little medication I’m taking isn’t working. I’m cold, I’m lonely, I barely have a job and I’m in the house with no car and nothing to do every day. I can’t even write. The words won’t come. All the words I have are trapped in this impossible situation, where my heart is torn in two, and will be for the foreseeable future.
There’s no way out. No matter where I am, I’ll always miss someone and something. And I just don’t know how to exist right now without being sad.