I’ve been having a fairly rough time lately. Being off my meds is a struggle that I couldn’t comprehend until now.
You see, I was in a “good place.” I was finally feeling happy, I was okay with living here, I had a friend or two and my medication was working.
Now… now, I have no medication. I’m taking vitamins but they can only do so much. I never see what friends I had because I don’t work there anymore, and evidently unless we work together we aren’t friends. I don’t live in town and can’t just go places to hang out. I go to work and I come home. Sometimes I don’t get to see LAboy for a day or two at a time because by the time I get home, he’s asleep.
I hate my job. I hate every minute of it. I hate the pressure to sell people things that they don’t want. I hate knowing that the only reason it’s pushed so much is because how many subscriptions we get is the basis for the manager’s bonus. I hate knowing that what I am doing is futile and I am in no way shape or form helping society. I hate knowing that I have two Bachelors’ degrees, one in a helping profession, and I’m not helping anyone.
We can’t save money. We’re living paycheck-to-paycheck largely because of expenses beyond our control (see: evil overlords). I don’t get paid anywhere near what I think I’m worth, and I don’t get paid anywhere near what I was making in NY. I don’t have insurance. I don’t have a good job. I don’t have any friends. I live in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of raccoons.
Is it any wonder that I’m depressed?
My mom keeps telling me to move back home. But to what? Yes, maybe I’d find a job with insurance, but I thought about it as I was driving today. Could I really do that? Go back to phone calls every night, sleeping in bed alone, crying because all I really want is someone to hold me? Can I really deal with seeing him once every six months? Could I do that?
Just thinking about it brings me to tears.
I miss my mom. I miss my friends. I miss my pain-in-the-ass cousin. I miss my cats. I miss not having to worry so much about money.
But I’d miss him more.
I just need to find a way to hold on. I know things will get better. It’s this part that I don’t know how to work through. The waiting.
In the meantime… if you pray, pray I find a satisfying job. Please.